True or False: Nice Guys Finish Last?


Nice Guys Finish Last But Good Men Come In First

The reason “nice guys” finish last and good men don’t is because the difference between nice guys and good guys is … self-assurance and intention.

And now here’s a photo of a dolphin …

waxing your dolphin

No, just kidding.

Well, yes, it is a photo of a dolphin, but there’s more to this whole nice-guys-finish-last story.

And if you don’t want to be a single guy waxing his dolphin forever, focus here fellas!

Nice Guys Finish Last because they:

  • don’t trust themselves enough to have solid opinions
  • agree with everything she says to be amenable
  • avoid potential mistakes by not making decisions
  • have ulterior, selfish motives

Good Guys Come in First because they:

  • trust themselves enough to have solid opinions and aren’t afraid to share them
  • disagree with things that don’t align with their beliefs (respectfully)
  • are confident decision makers because they’ve learned from practicing [making decisions]
  • are straight-shooters without a hidden agenda (key word: hidden!)

Women prefer good men over nice guys because women want to feel safe, and a man with self-assurance and integrity makes her feel safe.

Let’s analyze …

A woman believes that a man with solid opinions, who can make decisions and disagree when necessary, will be able to “take care of” her, and since women’s primary need is to feel safe—emotionally and physically—his self-assurance goes a long way to achieving that goal—even if he isn’t capable of taking care of her.

Do women need to be taken care of?

In the modern age and in the Western world, not really, but despite feminism, feeling safe is still an innate need.

I don’t know a woman who doesn’t want to feel safe and (at some level) taken care of. Even if she can’t admit it (even to herself).

And this doesn’t mean a man needs bags of money. I’m not necessarily talking about that kind of “taken care of.”

The three most powerful words a man can say to a woman are, “I got this!”
Bryan Reeves

Sociology / Biology

Because of sociology and/or biology, women are attuned to the most innocuous feelings of others: we are the (physically) weaker sex, “reading hint” is part of our survival mechanism.

The feminine aspect of (most) women’s nature is far more sensitive to picking up subtle signs of fake niceness over genuine goodness.

When you’re “too nice,” she won’t trust that you’re being honest and real with her and, therefore, aren’t trustworthy!

I’ll tell you right now, fibbers don’t make women feel safe. Nuhuh, no, sir, do not pass go.

Go back to the hand lotion. Back off and whack off, Buster!

But when a man has his own opinions, and especially when he can disagree with her in a kind or even playful way, then she knows he’ll have an opinion when it really counts—like when he has an opportunity to physically protect her or verbally defend her.

Or even when she feels unsure about something and wants his opinion.

How to Go From Nice Guy to Good Man:

  1. Monitor yourself in conversations—with everyone, not just women.
  2. Contemplate how you feel about certain things that you usually simply agree with.
  3. When you discover a conflicting opinion, instead of agreeing with the person, ask questions.
  4. When you get comfy asking questions, offer alternative opinions, “Some people think [this], what do you think?” They may ask for your opinion. Here’s your opportunity to share your take in a non-aggressive way.
  5. Make decisions. If a friends says―Where do you want to eat?―even if you don’t care, offer a suggestion. You can make it easy on yourself by saying what you crave and letting them make the decision, or ask them what they crave and make the decision on where to eat.

Nice Guys Finish Last Takeaways:

  1. Lack of self-assurance comes from lack of practice; lack of practice comes from lack of self-esteem.
  2. Nice = fake. Kind = respectful.

The backbone to my WakeUP2Luv program is a step-by-step what-to-do plan to rewrite your (love) life, inside and outside… because you can read a bazillion blogs on how to build a bicycle, but until you start putting parts together, dude, you ain’t got no ride. 😉

xo AJ

If you enjoyed this blog or know someone who’s got a Costco card for hand cream, please share!

Feeling extra thankful for my work? Buy my memoir or make a coffee donation here. Thank you!

Also, here’s my newest video on nice guys:

And, what the heck, a playlist for y’all Costco shoppers 😉 …

What Women REALLY Want in a Man! (12 PROVEN Tips)


What Women REALLY Want

Good news, fellas! What women really want in a man are qualities any man can develop. For real, even you! 😉

The even better news is these are traits every man would feel better about improving regardless of what a woman wants!

If that’s not a win-win, I don’t know what is.

Now, for the skeptics who think all women really want a buff Chad with a big… wallet and a lot of power, success or fame, well, you’re right.

What???

Okay, you’re half right.

Sure, most women appreciate those qualities but — and here’s the kicker — most women don’t need all those things to be happy and horny (for you).

True story.

Hypergamy

Hypergamy is basically the act of a person marrying “up to the next level” which can include a man with good looks, money, power, fame etc.

But!

Hypergamy is more pronounced in younger women, especially the “Ashleys” of the world who (because of youthful fertility) are biologically wired to respond to the qualities in men that will ensure they produce healthy and well-cared for offspring.

Wait, wait, wait, before you climb that tall bridge, hear me out!

The good news for the Every Day John is the personality attributes behind success in any form can be developed by you.

Yes, you!

And…

Aside from naturally attractive genetics, it’s actually these traits women really want in a man!

Shut the front door! Am I right?

Yes, of course, some women want it all, but believe it or not, those women are far and few between.

Just like you want it all but you’d be super content with a gal who gets your motor running, respects and appreciates you, and isn’t too high maintenance.

Am. I. Right??

Good.

Watch and learn, my friend, watch and learn!

xo AJ

p.s. Step-by-step road map to developing the right traits for you: WakeUP2Luv.

p.p.s. Thank you so much for your generous coffee/chocolate donations! ❤️And for buying my memoir!???? I heart you!

Dating Educated Women! – Dating Coach for Men


Average Joe’s Dating Educated Women? Yep!

If you’ve considered dating educated women but don’t know if it’s a good idea or if an educated woman would consider dating you, keep reading!

Reality Land: 40-70% of new students entering post secondary schools are women!

This is both good and bad news for men. 

Interesting Tidbits About More Women Entering Post-Ed

Feminism

If you’re in a place in your life when you’re looking for a good time not a long time you’ll have plenty of cozy companionship with women in college or university.

Feminism brought with it sexual liberation and freedom for women that men have enjoyed for years. 

There’s a good chance dating educated women means you won’t need to commit to anything serious. 

The less good news is…

Hypergamy

Generally, women don’t want to “date down.”

This means an educated woman often expects a man to have a formal education if she’s to consider him for more than a one nighter.

Yep, you can get around this by improving yourself. (Get my WakeUP2Luv program for the detailed road map on doing that.)

Compatibility

Educated women don’t only prefer formally educated men because there’s a (perceived) higher chance of the man making bank—

Plenty of people are doing well without any formal education thanks to the diversity of opportunity brought to us by the internet.

—but if you’re not formally educated, dating educated women means you need to have some knowledge and/or intellectual ability.

More on that in the video, but suffice it to say educated women want men with any combination of: 

  • Ambition to obtain knowledge
  • Drive to self-improve
  • Mental / intellectual stimulation

There’s a difference between intelligence, knowledge and formal education.

Pros and Cons of Dating Educated Women

Whether or not dating an educated woman is a pro or con largely depends on what your beliefs and values are and whether or not they align with hers.

Potential Pros

  1. She may be able to contribute more $ to the relationship.
  2. Potentially interesting intellectual conversations.
  3. More options (women) to choose from. #supplyanddemand

Potential Cons

  1. Greater potential she’s a hard core feminist or social justice warrior.
  2. She may act superior or stuck up to men with less formal education.
  3. She may have impossibly high standards. #nevergoodenough

If you like the idea of dating an educated woman or simply want more women to choose from the best thing you can do is develop the traits all women appreciate.

Yep, my WakeUP2Luv program shares the details, but I’ll warn you… it’s a comprehensive course and will kinda make you look at where you sabotage yourself.

(Don’t worry, you don’t have to dwell on childhood trauma!)

If you haven’t already, consider dating educated women because you’ll open the door to a greater supply of single ladies!

More details in the video, including how to know if you should date an educated smarty-pants! 

Check it out!

xo AJ

p.s. Um, whether or not you want to date an educated woman, ALL women appreciate the traits you’ll develop from taking my WakeUP2Luv program. #brokenrecord

Also, why not!, here’s a playlist on what women really want aka #hypergamy…

Project: 50 First Dates―Date #4: Women’s Safety


For Women’s Safety & Your Dating Success…

Women’s primary need with men is to feel safe, therefore women’s safety should be at the forefront of your mind when online dating.

If you’re new to my blog, several years ago when I had just started blogging about my relationship theories, I “took up” online dating as a sort of study.

And, yes, I did disclose up front (on my profile), that I was doing research.

A few good men took me up on the offer of a real fake date and in exchange I provided them with honest feedback, something you’ll rarely if ever get on a real real date.

If you haven’t read about dates one, two and three, you can find them here, here, and here.

Date #4: Women’s Safety

Dating site: match.com
Age: early 50s
Kids: none
Work: network management

Concerned Citizen messages me on match.com to see if I’m also seriously looking for a mate or selectively soliciting business.

I replied back, “You’ll get honest feedback. Might help with the next one.”

We exchanged a couple brief texts, then he suggested we go to an exhibit at the Vancouver Art Gallery, and if things went well, maybe lunch after. Like.

A couple days later―why drag it out―I arrived early at the VAG. I texted him to let him know. He worked nearby and agreed to meet me early.

When he arrived, we got right to it. (No, not “that” to it. Sheesh.)

I told him why I’d been away for a month (family member died), which lead to a heavy conversation right off. (My bad.)

But at least he’d similarly offered intimate insights of his life.

We chatted about online dating, and I remember him telling me, after some hesitation, “Women give too much away.”

I asked him, “What do you mean?”

He replied, “Well, this is going to sound creepy. No, I better not.”

Hint: When you say, “I’d better not say…” know that you’re going to have to say!

I prodded, “Now, you have to tell me! No judgments. I’m here to learn, too.”

And so he told me how easy it is to find out “who they are and where they live and work and …”

He closed with, “I’m not a stalker.”

I said, “Yeah, but that does sound creepy. I might not start an interaction with that.”

Our whole conversation felt factual more than emotional.

I took it to mean he was either reserved, shy or nervous. (He actually didn’t come across as creepy.)

He reminded me he was really not a stalker and didn’t know how to tell women to watch out for guys who are.

“I’ll write about it. Alert the ladies. Safety first, after all.”

We went to the VAG exhibit―theme: culture. Effect: creepy!

However, the array of way-out-there exhibits was def definitely intellectually stimulating.

After 90 minutes exploring two of the four floors of VAG, I was mentally exhausted with brain overload.

“That’s all I can handle.” I told him, referring to the exhibit, and he agreed.

We left the building, not speaking but silently absorbing what we’d experienced―at least I was. Even though I had somewhere else to be, I wanted to go home for a nap.

I gave him a hug, and we parted ways.

Concerned Citizen seemed like a great guy, but because of our convo “Creepy Citizen” was my associated feeling toward him. (Which I told him is how all women would feel.)

Takeaways:

  1. Artsy-fartsy cultural events provide for interesting amusement and stimulating conversation, but be sure to interact during the exhibition―your date is the main attraction, after all.
  2. If your date place is somewhere mentally rousing―not arousing, fellas―allot an hour maximum for that part so you have time and think-ability to chat after.
  3. Guys: Don’t do your “background checks” until you have a date secured―otherwise, that will creep women out and they’ll run like a scared hare.
  4. Incase any ladies are reading this: Be careful; there are weirdos out there! Do do your background checks first!
  5. Laughter is key especially on a first date. Though some serious topics can safely be discussed on Date #2, I’d skip the “women’s safety” and other deep convo on Date #1. Stick to mostly fun and playful.

I’m still getting over the bunny’s-head-on-big-stick exhibit. #creepy

If you want the map to better online dating during/post covid get my Double Your Online Dating video training today.

It’s short, sweet, compact and only $10US (price subject to change!), less than your next bad coffee date even if you go Dutch. 😉

If you’re offended (or Dutch), I won’t apologize for the non-PC remark, political correctness has gone too far.

xo Anna

Also! Check out this fab playlist on online dating, texting and long distance relationships!

Should You Date a Feminist Woman?


Seriously, Should You Date a Feminist? (Surprise!)

Before we get into should you date a feminist let’s look at what feminism is…

Generally speaking feminism is basically a belief and effort to achieve equality of the sexes. 

That’s the AJ simplified definition. 

I think feminism has gone too far, moving into preferential treatment of women, at least in some areas of the world.

If you live in the USA and have gone through a divorce, especially if children were involved, you know this to be true.

But not all feminists are misanthropists—they don’t all hate men.

Hear me out… 

Women have been brainwashed to act like men, but many ladies are conflicted by what they’ve been told is right (feminism) and our innate nature (femininity).

If she’s thinks she’s a feminist but displays signs of (unconscious or conscious) hypocrisy, she may not really be a feminist.

Or at least not a toxic feminist—one who loathes all men for whatever reason. (Example in video.)

By the way, if there are any women reading this who’d like to be more feminine, read my blog How to Be More Beautiful (and Feminine) here for the Cliff Notes and here for the Full MANifesto.

Indoctrination

Social conditioning by social media and indoctrination via higher education institutions have brainwashed women into acting masculine.

  • Sexual liberation allows women to spread their seed, even though we’re built with eggs not sperm. 😉
  • Raising the glass ceiling for women in business means fewer women are purposefully becoming mothers earlier or at all.
  • Working in previously male dominated fields has created a “Boss Babe is a Goddess” movement.

Obviously, there are some positives for men in there, but there are also negative consequences for men and women.

Should YOU Date a Feminist?

In the video, I provide more info including:

  • Pros and cons of dating a feminist woman
  • When you could consider dating a feminist woman
  • Questions you need to ask yourself before dating a feminist woman

You’ll also want to check out my blog on Dating Educated Women here.

xo AJ

And if you’d simply be happy just getting a date, check out my Double Your Online Dating video training program ($10!) and my comprehensive WakeUP2Luv – Get a Girlfriend video training program ($97) here.

Should you date a feminist? Dating a feminist woman isn’t the right choice for all men but it can be the right choice for some men. Wait, whuuut? Watch the video! 😉

Links mentioned: 

Why She Tests You: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLQ8Q-8-X18dkFVeRMpvW3s3SC3Vgu7I1d 

Damaged Women: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLQ8Q-8-X18dkSudIvtlVD37IgqIWXnaMQ 

Watch Nice Guys: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLQ8Q-8-X18dkVTxGbz0VK9p_bySymr3XW 

Narcissistic Women: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLQ8Q-8-X18dkSudIvtlVD37IgqIWXnaMQ 

WakeUP2Luv Get a GF program: https://members.wingmam.com/get-women/ 

Donations & Anna’s Memoir????: https://wingmam.com/donate-memoir/ 

Red Flags! (When to Walk Away)


Red Flags! (When to Walk, When to Run)

Whether you just saw each other from across a crowded room, are courting, date or in a relationship, watch out for these red flags and possible signs she’s emotionally damaged!

There will always be conflict and disagreements in relationships, the sooner you get over that fact the better you’ll feel.

But what are the signs you should walk away from her and when should you run?

By the way, most of these red flags apply to both men and women, so if you display any of these traits, best to work on that STAT.

FYI, WakeUP2Luv will help you overcome any bad habits you’ve got while making you the sexiest version of yourself.

Keep in mind many of these warning signs may overlap in courting, dating or a relationship.

Courting Red Flags ????

If you’ve just started flirting or you’ve just met and aren’t sure there’s mutual interest, there are still red flags you can watch for.

The key to spotting red flags in the courting stage is to pay attention to her words and actions and not the reaction to her in your pants, Sir!

If any of these signs show up early, it could be a shit test.

If you can handle her early tests well, the behaviours should disappear. If not, be wary of pursuing a relationship with her.

The video goes over 10 specific signs to watch for when courting.

Dating ????

When you’ve established mutual attraction and started to hang out together romantically, some of the signs may change a bit.

Dating is an important stage in discovering each others’ true character. Pay attention!

Depending on how alpha (not unkind) you are will determine how much testing she instinctively needs to do.

FYI, there is a biological and logical reason why women test men! Watch my playlist on Shit Tests to learn more.

Beyond natural, healthy testing of you, some of these signs will mean a woman either has: high standards, is high maintenance, or is emotionally damaged. #RedFlag

I’ll share the easiest way to figure out which it is later in this post. Stay tuned!

The video goes over 10 specific signs to watch for when dating.

Relationship ????

So let’s say now you’re a couple.

There’s a commitment, probably monogamy, a level of loyalty and the motivation to “make it work.”

If you ignored the early warning signs, it becomes more difficult to deal with them later.

We teach people how to treat us and it’s far more difficult to break a bad habit once it’s established.

The video goes over 10 specific signs to watch for when in a relationship, plus the one time you must get out no matter what.

When to Walk Away ????????????

If you’ve approached her with respect, gentleness and understanding about her specific bad behaviours and she won’t consider compromise…

MAJOR RED FLAG! #RUN

If you’ve let bad behaviour slide right into the relationship stage, you need to ask yourself why you ignored those red flags.

Yep, accountability is a tough pill to swallow, but it’s also the only empowering thing you can do for yourself.

Read that again, my friend.

We are all a little wounded from what’s happened to us in life, but the good news is there is a way to make life and love better.

If you’ve made poor selection choices in the past, I highly encourage you to invest in my WakeUP2Luv program.

It’ll help you figure out why you self-sabotage without deep delving into painful past memories.

I’m rooting for you! You got this.

Xo AJ

p.s. Thank you so much for your generous donations and for buying my memoir even though it’s silly drivel! 😉

Why She Tests You:

How to Get a Girlfriend Online (During Covid!)


How to Get a Girlfriend Online (During Covid!)

How to get a girlfriend online during covid is not much different than if there wasn’t a pandemic with restrictions.

In fact, the benefit of dating online during covid is being able to slow down and actually get to know each other.

Before we get into the tips for how to get a girlfriend online, you need to know how women’s experience on dating sites and apps differ from men’s.

I’ll also give you online dating tips for:

  • What photos to use
  • Your write-up / bio
  • The best ice-breaker to use
  • The best first date during covid
  • Dating sites or dating apps most suited for you

Why I’m Qualified to Provide Dating Advice to Men on Online Dating

Years ago, when I was single I tried out several datings sites and apps:

  • Plenty of Fish
  • Match
  • OKCupid
  • eHarmony
  • Fitness Singles
  • Christian Mingle
  • Tinder
  • Bumble
  • Another one I can’t remember the name of that no longer exists!

From a female perspective, it’s easy to see how men’s profiles can be adjusted to be more appealing…

Especially to the kind of women they really want!

Then I offered dating coaching for men and did a 50 first dates project.

Yep, I offered real fake dates to men with me!

Nope, I don’t offer that anymore. Please don’t ask! 😉

I provided honest feedback on how the dates went; something men don’t get on real dates.

The common “mistakes” men make on dating sites and apps are compiled in my short, comprehensive video program, Double Your Online Dating.

I’ve also spoken with many dozens of women of all ages about their experiences with online dating sites and dating apps.

Double Your Online Dating is 10 bucks US (price subject to change). It provides 45 tips for the best online dating strategies for photos, bio, ice-breakers, first dates and follow up.

Get it!

What Women Experience

In a nutshell, online dating is initially based largely on visuals.

And men are neurologically wired to notice physical looks more than women are.

If you don’t believe me, read The Male Brain by Dr. Louanne Brizendine. Dr. Brizendine is the founder of the first US clinic to study gender differences in brain, behaviour and hormones.

That’s not to say women don’t notice or value looks. We do.

However, on average there are more men who would sleep with a woman based on her looks than there are women who would sleep with a man based on his looks.

Yes, even with most millennials.

This means attractive women online get approached far more often by men than men get approached by women.

Be honest, are you approaching attractive or unattractive women online?

Exactly.

Things are changing, though.

The last stat I read indicated 40% of relationships that began online happened after the woman initiated contact.

Quick Tips for Your Online Dating Site Profile

Because my Double Your Online Dating program covers so many tips, I’ll go over just a few important tips from each category.

Photos

Although you’re best to have at least one photo of you looking happy, studies show women are more turned on by a man who looks serious.

If you’re only looking for a hookup, opt for more serious, mysterious images.

But if you’re looking for a girlfriend, post both sexy, mysterious photos, plus some fun, playful, happy photos.

Your photos are a visual summation of your personality and lifestyle.

Write-up / Bio

Whatever words you put or don’t put in your profile suggest what you’re looking for in a woman and in a relationship.

The fewer words you slip in, the more your profile is viewed by women as lacking depth, which either translates into lazy or looking for a hookup.

By the way, there’s no wrong answer for what you want.

If you definitely know you’re not interested in a relationship or you don’t want to make your intentions known, that’s ok.

If you want to get a girlfriend, writing something about yourself will appeal to women who are interested in a relationship and who are worthwhile getting for a girlfriend.

Remember, women are emotional creatures and respond better to feelings than facts.

Stories elicit emotions. Make sure your bio tells a story and isn’t just a list of info. #yawn

Ice-breakers

Again, unless you’re looking for a hookup, the best ice-breaker will be:

  • Relatively short
  • Refer to something: non-sexual, specific and personal about her photos or profile
  • Make her giggle or smile
  • Have an open-ended question

Good Example: Hey, Ashley. Great hiking pic. One of my bucket list goals: Inca Trail (if we’re ever allowed to travel again!) 😉 … If money was no object and you could travel anywhere where would you go and why?

Bad Example: Hey.

Best First Date During Covid

My Double Your Online Dating video program provides a cheatsheet with a list of date ideas, many of which you can partake in right now unless you’re on serious lockdown.

But to play it safe, the best first date during covid is simply meeting for coffee and/or going for a walk.

If you’re young and have a car, it may feel less awkward to go for a drive but offer to meet somewhere public first so she feels safe.

Normally, I consider going for coffee a non-date or pre-first date, but right now women feel safest doing something emotionally and physically simple.

Because men and physically bigger and stronger—thanks to testosterone, get yours checked—women instinctively feel a little unsafe with all men.

Don’t worry, this is a good thing. It’s also what makes us feel safe with men.

Wait, what?

Once we trust you, we feel safe knowing you have the physical capacity to keep us safe from other potentially unsafe men!

So, yeah, one of the most important steps on how to get a girlfriend online is making her feel safe with you.

I’ve seen many people on first and second dates during covid—yep, I ask them—all having coffee.

The Best Dating Sites / Best Dating Apps

Choosing a dating site or app will largely be based on your relationship goals and age range.

Generally speaking, the more info the site requires to sign up and/or the more money you must invest to make the site user-friendly, the more likely its users are ready for something more serious or long term.

Unless…

You’re under 25/30 years old.

The younger you are the more likely you and the girls you’ll be into (or would like to be into), will be on dating apps that don’t require a lot of info.

I also recommend signing up for two or three different sites unlikely to have an overlap of users.

For Example

OKCupid and Match overlap with some of the same people on both, but…

  • OKCupid and Fitness Singles might not.
  • Or Match and OurTime, for singles over 50 years old.
  • Or Plenty of Fish and Tinder etc.

If you want the full meal dealio on online dating, get my Double Your Online Dating video program. It’s only $10US.

With over 45 tips plus bonus materials, you’ll have all you need to make the most of online dating and find your sweetheart faster.

xo AJ

p.s. Sorry, I no longer review dating site profiles, but I do offer coaching feedback on specific situations. You can find that service option here.

Playlist for Online Dating, Texting and LDRs:

18 Signs She’s Gaslighting! (Specific Examples!)


Signs She’s Gaslighting!

What is gaslighting and what are the signs she’s gaslighting you?

Gaslighting is basically when someone mind *bleeps* you into questioning your sanity and reality by manipulating, misleading, or straight out lying.

By the way, these apply equally to men gaslighting women, so pay attention to if you display any of these unhealthy and abusive behaviours.

If you do any of these things, I highly recommend you watch my Nice Guy playlist (at the end of this post).

Nice Guy Syndrome is when a guy isn’t actually nice at all but instead has a hidden, selfish agenda to get what he wants from others in manipulative ways.

Don’t be that guy.

Now, if you’ve been with (or are with) a gal who is driving you crazy in a not-good way pay attention to your feelings.

Your feelings may be signs she’s manipulating you or signs you have self-esteem issues you need to work out.

Between your feelings and her actions, you’ll have a good idea if she’s a bad idea.

Signs She’s Gaslighting Based on Your Feelings

You:

  1. Are unhappy for no reason.
  2. Have lost your confidence.
  3. Are easily confused.
  4. Have trouble making decisions —or…
  5. Make bad decisions.
  6. Are always questioning yourself.
  7. Are always apologizing to her.
  8. Think you’re always messing up.
  9. Make excuses to protect her bad behaviour.
  10. Think you’re too sensitive.
  11. Don’t think you deserve her or anyone.
  12. Think you’re not good enough.
  13. Think if you lose her you’ll be alone forever.

If you have three or more, you likely have low self-esteem regardless if she’s gaslighting you.

The question is: Are your self-worth issues because of your stinking thinking developed from perceptions about past traumas?

And / or —

Are your issues because she’s an overt or covert narcissist gaslighting you?

Overt narcissists are obvious in their poor treatment of you; covert narcissists tend to be more Sneaky Monkey manipulative in the ways they mistreat you.

Gaslighting Truth

The truth about whether these feelings are caused by you or her is somewhere in the middle, my friend.

The fact is, if your self-esteem was rock solid, you wouldn’t put up with this kind of mental and emotional abuse.

We teach people how to treat us.

That’s worth repeating…

If you are letting someone mistreat you—YOU are letting someone mistreat you.

Here’s another goodie…

Nothing changes if nothing changes. Nothing changes if you don’t change something.

And…

The Progression of Gaslighting

The longer it takes to make a change, the less likely you’ll be to get the desired result you want.

Gaslighters usually start subtly early in the relationship to gauge your reaction and up the ante as the relationship progresses.

In other words, if you’ve allowed her to get into the habit and pattern of mistreating you and now you want to switch tracks, well, that’s like trying to stop a train.

Going downhill.

With no breaks.

So, the sooner you nip it in the bud, the better for both of you.

If you don’t, there’s about a 95% chance you can’t and the only options are accepting the situation or breaking up and dealing with those consequences.

Ugh.

Ok, but now let’s see if she really is gaslighting you or if you’re a needy simp who has some seriously repressed emotional stuff to work on STAT.

Click image to go to video!

Signs She’s Gaslighting Based on Her Words / Actions

Example 1 – Testing You

You’re chatting up a girl in a coffee shop and discover she loves pizza and casually mentions you should go sometime. (Meaning: go together.)

She say’s she’s free Thursday evening, but later when you text her to get together she says something like:

“I’m sure I told you I’m not available until Friday. That work?”

She might be disorganized or she might be gaslighting. Pink flag.

When you do try to get together to go for pizza, she says, “Oh, I’m on a diet, no pizza for me!”

You remind her she’s the one who suggested it and she gets pissy and says,

“No, I said YOU should go. And besides, a girl can change her mind, anyways—not that I did!”

You don’t know what to make of this and wonder if she’s crazy or stringing you along.

The flag is getting redder, my friend.

But then she suggests going to Cactus Club because they have great salads.

So you jump on it because at least she wants to get together.

Example 2 – I’m Not Crazy, You Are

Now you’re dating and want to start introducing her to your friends so you invite her to a friend’s BBQ event.

She says, “Sure” and you give her the event details of time and place.

But when you remind her of the BBQ the day before she says, “You know I don’t like crowds, bae.”

When you question her she says, “I must’ve been on my phone or something, I’d never have agreed to that.”

You react (any reaction even appearing dumbfounded or confused).

She gives a dramatic sigh and says, “Fine, if it’s that important to you then I’ll go, but you owe me.”

Maybe throwing in, “They don’t really like you, anyway. They just know you bring booze.”

You tell her everyone brings booze and she just shrugs it off unbelievingly or says, “Believe whatever you want if it makes you feel better” dismissively.

Example 3 – She be Fibbing

If you’ve been dating awhile, her gaslighting might escalate to outright lies.

“I told you I was going out with the girls on Friday.” She did no such thing.

“Why do you hate my friends? They like you. You’re so mean to me.” She’s projecting her own feelings.

“You said you’d buy me that purse for my birthday, but this is nice, too.” Um, no, you said if she got the raise, she should treat herself.

“Why do you always put me last on your list of priorities?” When she’s clearly first.

Hint: Be careful of using or hearing words like “always” and “never.” Pink flag.

Example 4 – Bait and Switch

“I asked you to fix the bookshelf why are you wasting time on the recycling?”

Um, no, she clearly said the recycling was irritating her the most.

You sigh in exasperation.

She says, “Don’t be so dramatic. I told you this a few days ago. That bookshelf is going to the Goodwill, anyway.”

Wait, what Susan?

She walks away saying over her shoulder, “Don’t be so sensitive.”

Or

“You’re trying to make me feel bad. Congratulations, it worked.”

Example 5: The 180

If she senses she’s gone too far and you’re going to leave her she’ll turn on the charm and make you believe you’re the mean one and lucky to be with her.

You toss the toolkit in the corner, grab your keys and stomp out without saying a word, mad as hell.

She calls after you, “Where are you going…?”

But you just slam the door and go full MIA for hours not reading or replying to texts or phone calls.

When you return, she’s made dinner and is wearing your favourite sexy lingerie.

She doesn’t apologize—or maybe she does—and tries to play off like nothing happened.

She may try to seduce you by whispering in your ear, “Let’s make up.” Wink wink nudge nudge.

Or ever so coquettishly, “You know I get a little crazy a few days before my period.”

So you either give in or you confront her and the cycle repeats itself.

Welcome to Gaslighter Crazyville!

Xo AJ

p.s. To avoid Crazyville, click here to get my WakeUP2Luv program and do the steps in it!

Watch:

Nice Guy’s Playlist

Narcissistic Women Playlist

Shit Test Playlist

18 Signs She’s Gaslighting! (Specific Examples!)


Signs She’s Gaslighting!

What is gaslighting and what are the signs she’s gaslighting you?

Gaslighting is basically when someone mind *bleeps* you into questioning your sanity and reality by manipulating, misleading, or straight out lying.

By the way, these apply equally to men gaslighting women, so pay attention to if you display any of these unhealthy and abusive behaviours.

If you do any of these things, I highly recommend you watch my Nice Guy playlist (at the end of this post).

Nice Guy Syndrome is when a guy isn’t actually nice at all but instead has a hidden, selfish agenda to get what he wants from others in manipulative ways.

Don’t be that guy.

Now, if you’ve been with (or are with) a gal who is driving you crazy in a not-good way pay attention to your feelings.

Your feelings may be signs she’s manipulating you or signs you have self-esteem issues you need to work out.

Between your feelings and her actions, you’ll have a good idea if she’s a bad idea.

Signs She’s Gaslighting Based on Your Feelings

You:

  1. Are unhappy for no reason.
  2. Have lost your confidence.
  3. Are easily confused.
  4. Have trouble making decisions —or…
  5. Make bad decisions.
  6. Are always questioning yourself.
  7. Are always apologizing to her.
  8. Think you’re always messing up.
  9. Make excuses to protect her bad behaviour.
  10. Think you’re too sensitive.
  11. Don’t think you deserve her or anyone.
  12. Think you’re not good enough.
  13. Think if you lose her you’ll be alone forever.

If you have three or more, you likely have low self-esteem regardless if she’s gaslighting you.

The question is: Are your self-worth issues because of your stinking thinking developed from perceptions about past traumas?

And / or —

Are your issues because she’s an overt or covert narcissist gaslighting you?

Overt narcissists are obvious in their poor treatment of you; covert narcissists tend to be more Sneaky Monkey manipulative in the ways they mistreat you.

Gaslighting Truth

The truth about whether these feelings are caused by you or her is somewhere in the middle, my friend.

The fact is, if your self-esteem was rock solid, you wouldn’t put up with this kind of mental and emotional abuse.

We teach people how to treat us.

That’s worth repeating…

If you are letting someone mistreat you—YOU are letting someone mistreat you.

Here’s another goodie…

Nothing changes if nothing changes. Nothing changes if you don’t change something.

And…

The Progression of Gaslighting

The longer it takes to make a change, the less likely you’ll be to get the desired result you want.

Gaslighters usually start subtly early in the relationship to gauge your reaction and up the ante as the relationship progresses.

In other words, if you’ve allowed her to get into the habit and pattern of mistreating you and now you want to switch tracks, well, that’s like trying to stop a train.

Going downhill.

With no breaks.

So, the sooner you nip it in the bud, the better for both of you.

If you don’t, there’s about a 95% chance you can’t and the only options are accepting the situation or breaking up and dealing with those consequences.

Ugh.

Ok, but now let’s see if she really is gaslighting you or if you’re a needy simp who has some seriously repressed emotional stuff to work on STAT.

Click image to go to video!

Signs She’s Gaslighting Based on Her Words / Actions

Example 1 – Testing You

You’re chatting up a girl in a coffee shop and discover she loves pizza and casually mentions you should go sometime. (Meaning: go together.)

She say’s she’s free Thursday evening, but later when you text her to get together she says something like:

“I’m sure I told you I’m not available until Friday. That work?”

She might be disorganized or she might be gaslighting. Pink flag.

When you do try to get together to go for pizza, she says, “Oh, I’m on a diet, no pizza for me!”

You remind her she’s the one who suggested it and she gets pissy and says,

“No, I said YOU should go. And besides, a girl can change her mind, anyways—not that I did!”

You don’t know what to make of this and wonder if she’s crazy or stringing you along.

The flag is getting redder, my friend.

But then she suggests going to Cactus Club because they have great salads.

So you jump on it because at least she wants to get together.

Example 2 – I’m Not Crazy, You Are

Now you’re dating and want to start introducing her to your friends so you invite her to a friend’s BBQ event.

She says, “Sure” and you give her the event details of time and place.

But when you remind her of the BBQ the day before she says, “You know I don’t like crowds, bae.”

When you question her she says, “I must’ve been on my phone or something, I’d never have agreed to that.”

You react (any reaction even appearing dumbfounded or confused).

She gives a dramatic sigh and says, “Fine, if it’s that important to you then I’ll go, but you owe me.”

Maybe throwing in, “They don’t really like you, anyway. They just know you bring booze.”

You tell her everyone brings booze and she just shrugs it off unbelievingly or says, “Believe whatever you want if it makes you feel better” dismissively.

Example 3 – She be Fibbing

If you’ve been dating awhile, her gaslighting might escalate to outright lies.

“I told you I was going out with the girls on Friday.” She did no such thing.

“Why do you hate my friends? They like you. You’re so mean to me.” She’s projecting her own feelings.

“You said you’d buy me that purse for my birthday, but this is nice, too.” Um, no, you said if she got the raise, she should treat herself.

“Why do you always put me last on your list of priorities?” When she’s clearly first.

Hint: Be careful of using or hearing words like “always” and “never.” Pink flag.

Example 4 – Bait and Switch

“I asked you to fix the bookshelf why are you wasting time on the recycling?”

Um, no, she clearly said the recycling was irritating her the most.

You sigh in exasperation.

She says, “Don’t be so dramatic. I told you this a few days ago. That bookshelf is going to the Goodwill, anyway.”

Wait, what Susan?

She walks away saying over her shoulder, “Don’t be so sensitive.”

Or

“You’re trying to make me feel bad. Congratulations, it worked.”

Example 5: The 180

If she senses she’s gone too far and you’re going to leave her she’ll turn on the charm and make you believe you’re the mean one and lucky to be with her.

You toss the toolkit in the corner, grab your keys and stomp out without saying a word, mad as hell.

She calls after you, “Where are you going…?”

But you just slam the door and go full MIA for hours not reading or replying to texts or phone calls.

When you return, she’s made dinner and is wearing your favourite sexy lingerie.

She doesn’t apologize—or maybe she does—and tries to play off like nothing happened.

She may try to seduce you by whispering in your ear, “Let’s make up.” Wink wink nudge nudge.

Or ever so coquettishly, “You know I get a little crazy a few days before my period.”

So you either give in or you confront her and the cycle repeats itself.

Welcome to Gaslighter Crazyville!

Xo AJ

p.s. To avoid Crazyville, click here to get my WakeUP2Luv program and do the steps in it!

Watch:

Nice Guy’s Playlist

Narcissistic Women Playlist

Shit Test Playlist

What To Talk About on a Second Date!


Project 50 First Dates—First 2nd Date!

Just before we get to what to talk about on a second date…

If you’re just tuning in, I did a 50 first dates project several years ago when I’d just started coaching.

We’re reviewing some of those real fake dates so you can learn from them!

Interestingly enough, First Date #1 (The G Man) who blew it after the first 1st date—details to follow—and then made a big recovery—hold your horses, I’ll get to it—ended up coming in as my first 2nd date.

You still with me?

Super!

So what do you talk about on a second date?

A quick recap…

The G Man was handsome but bashful with praise. He worked for the government and had no kids (at the time of our date).

I’d enjoyed his company but didn’t feel sexually attracted to him.

Update:

Not feeling an instant attraction is way more common for women to experience than men!

He’d originally blew it because I had to repeatedly remind him that I. detest. texting.

I know, it’s weird but it’s true. From my research most women looove to text-chat. (Not I.)

BTW, if there are any ladies reading this, a guy who’s interested will be text-chat attentive.

As far as I’m concerned, text is for information—time, location, direction—not conversation.

More on that in another blog post―for now back to The G Man.

He finally got that I no likey texty and respected my “no text-chat” request.

Wingmam motto reminder: Always leave them wanting more.

He’d asked me out again but by then I was busy with sad “family stuff.”

A while later, I had a slot to fill, *wink* and because he’d respected my no-text requests, I asked him on a “sort of” second date.

“Sort of” because I’d invited him to an event with the intention of setting him up with someone else. *Shrug* at least I had love intentions.

I met him at the event—significant—which was a book launch and signing for a girl friend’s first book—we’ll call her Sparkle.

The venue was abuzz with social energy and was insanely noisy.

I gave her a hug and whispered, “I brought you a present” and nod toward The G Man.

I introduced them and she subtlety gave him the once over with an approving twinkle in her eye while he glanced around the shop.

But she had books to sign and adorning fans to thank—significant—and I could tell he was overwhelmed by the bustle, so The G Man and I took an early leave to go next door for a coffee.

Significant bits:

  • I met The G Man at the event instead of having him pick me up to re-establish our friends-only relationship. Going “with” him sends a different message. I would’ve had to explicitly reject him as a romantic partner if I went with him. Men don’t speak hint.
  • As a loyal and trusty Wingmam, bringing The G Man to my friend’s event was a 5-star friend move—it allowed him to see her best self: looking sexy, being adored, juiced-up (energized), accomplished and happy.

At the coffee shop …

He knew I’d been out of town—sad, sad stuff; I’m okay now, thanks, though.

So what to talk about on a second date / not-date?

Death. 

He’d lost a loved one a couple years beforehand so the topic didn’t wig him out.

Do I recommend talking about death on a second date?

Sure. Go ahead, if—

  • you can hold yourself together without becoming a messy puddle
  • you’re not feeling needy, clingy or extra desperate because of it
  • the other person is comfortable with the topic

I expect most of you have either experienced someone having passed away or have developed some level of compassion from experiencing other past pains.

Serious topics—death, politics, religion, children/parenting, aging parents, money, and monogamy —can be good topics for what to talk about on a second date as long as you can weave some fun and playfulness into the conversation somewhere.

You’ll likely need to veer into another lighter topic to do this, but do. Too heavy is just too heavy!

At the same time, you want to settle down without settling, right?

Part of discovering whether or not you could nest with the person sitting in front of you is finding out where they stand on your seriously-need-to-be-considered topics.

You already know you like each other or you wouldn’t even be wondering what to talk about on a second date with her.

What to Talk About on a Second Date Takeaways:

  1. Even if you love texting, leave something to talk about in person.
  2. Uncomfortable conversations about loved ones “leaving this world” can fast-track intimacy—in-to-me-see. You’ll find out a lot more about the other person and whether you want to risk Date #3. Or leave it on the table. Hint: Don’t try to cover all the heavy topics on Date #2!
  3. Don’t do Date #2 at either of your residences. Lead thee not into temptation! Or awkwardness. Try to hold out until you know if you want to bump nasties long term, or you risk ignoring red flags.
  4. Second dates are a good time to start the weeding-out process by talking about touchy subjects that aren’t for touchy-feely-2nd-base activities. If you want to get into her for the long run, get to know her in the short run. (Your batting average will go up if you can keep “it” down for now.)
  5. Never date anyone when you’re on the verge of a breakdown—it sets an unhealthy relationship dynamic. If you win the other person over, you’ll need to remain broken forever to keep them (and you) interested in the relationship.

Holy crap, this was a long, serious one.

Are you still here?

If yes, thank you. Really.

My first 2nd date summary …

Unfortunately, the conversation about death created too much intimacy for The G Man for me to wingmam him over to a much better match: my friend, Sparkle. Bad wingmam.

Note: I have these types of conversations with everyone/anyone; this particular conversation had no extra effect on me.

I’m no more attracted to The G Man than I was on our first real fake date.

Just because you’re attracted to her and feel a connection does not mean she feels the same way!

xo
AJ

If find yourself always in the friend zone instead of the end zone, get my WakeUP2Luv program and check out this playlist: