My 2nd Official 1st Date for Project 50 First Dates
Many years ago when I’d just started coaching, I launched Project 50 First Dates, and was offering “real fake date” coaching options.
Like The G Man from First Date #1 (see blog), SS was another gentleman I was impressed by.
He had the balls to go on a real fake date, the openness and optimism to “see what happens” and the generosity to share and receive: his story and my real fake date feedback.
Let’s explore what happened and see if the advice I gave still applies in today’s dating scene!
Dating Site: Match.com
Age: late 40s Kids: two—tween and teen(age) Work: executive management
The first thing I liked about this man was that he respected my “loathe” of texting, IMing (instant messaging), emailing and so on. (Significant.)
He didn’t “bother” me all week prior to our date and I appreciated that he understood how busy I was.
He listened, heard and respected my needs!
I’d follow up with him the day of the date to confirm plans and we met at a fancy dessert house not too far from where I lived at the time.
The date was on a Saturday at 3:00pm, a great time to meet between restaurant lunch and dinner shifts so it’s not loud or busy.
Right away he got two points! (Don’t deny it, men love scoring! 😉 )
Was on time. Early in fact. Check. (But no need to be early without reason.)
Sat with his back to the room. Check. (See last Project: 50 First Dates blog for significance.)
I walked up to him and greeted him; we shook hands.
Even in today’s #metoo era, I suggest asking if she’s “a hugger” as it’s always a good idea to break the appropriate touch barrier sooner than later.
I took off my coat and sat down across from him.
Right off, I placed my cell phone on the table face up and apologized, “I’m so sorry, but I’m waiting for a call from my banker that is urgent.”
Anyway, as I was providing my excuse for having my phone rudely out, he was already tucking his phone away in his pocket. Check.
When you’re on a first date, give your date your whole attention unless urgent and disclosed.
Urgent = sick kid at home or loved one in hospital or getting mortgage confirmation on place you’re buying. “Time is of the essence” type of stuff.
I ordered a decaf Americano and we agreed to share the cheese plate.
We shared stories and cheese but no cheesy stories.
He was a gentleman, but avoided eye contact and instead gazed off to the side Heavenward.
Also, he noticeably slouched and I had the feeling he felt the weight of the world despite his easy smile.
He asked me how I became a dating coach and I replied, “I got into the business after years of obsessive study, testing theories, practicing strategies, and fine tuning … but it wasn’t until I went on [dating site] and was sorely disappointed by the photos, write-ups and communications that I realized men need my help—95% of dating site profiles suck!”
He laughed and agreed. “Women’s aren’t so great, either.” (True!)
But he had a positive attitude about his last relationship, “The girls are handling it well, the split. I take them to school …”
I found out that he was only a few months out of a marriage and “not quite divorced” as in: “not even legally separated yet.”
“Ahhh,” I said, trying to recall if I read this disqualifier in his profile or if I’d missed it, “So, you’re really fresh meat!”
We both laughed.
I told l him not to be too quick to settle down again, “It’s okay to get out there and taste some different ice-cream flavours. Just don’t tell your girls until you’re divorced! They’ll tell mom, and she’ll make you pay.”
I sold real estate for 20 years. I saw a lot of divorces. When she finds out you’re moving on, she’s not all: “Oh, that’s cool, here let me be generous in our settlement so you can spend our money on your new sweetie.” #truth
This also applies to bitter fellas feeling hurt if she moves on first.
We talked for a couple hours, then took our leave.
He walked with me on my route home until we came to where he needed to go a different direction to his car.
He offered me a ride home (check), and I declined. Women always have safety first at the forefront of their minds.
We thanked each other and parted ways.
Later, he texted me asking for feedback on how he did on “attractiveness, first impression, personality?”
The Project 50 First Dates Takeaways:
Don’t be afraid to ask for her preferences with regard to communication. Respecting a woman’s communication needs means knowing what they are.
Know that dating sites are the first place single people who are “back on the market” go to get back into dating. Understanding this means asking the right questions before you meet—are you up for fresh meat?
Be honest about your relationship status. You’ll have a better chance of meeting someone in the same place emotionally and not disappoint nor be disappointed.
Forge your own path—without “oversharing” with your past partner—when you’re going through a legal “sedation” or divorce. Divorce requires delicacy in the delivery of information, especially when children are involved. Most breakups are highly emotionally (and often negatively) charged. Let’s face it: even though you were supposed to share everything with that person while you were with them, you didn’t. Don’t start now. P.S. If you want to sleep well at night, be fair in the settlement. (You know what that looks like.)
Always offer to walk or drive your date home. That’s called being a gentleman. Understand that, if it’s the first date, she just met you and doesn’t know if you’re a John Ritter or Jack the Ripper 😉 #makeherfeelsafe
Slouchy Stargazer was a solid seven in my estimation.
Fix slouching and stargazing would get him an extra point.
Be sure to subscribe so you don’t miss any of my other updated Project 50 First Dates updates!
If you want to get the maximum points possible so you can score the best gal for you, get my WakeUP2Luv program today!
Think you’re all that and a bag of kettle chips? Ok, fine, but if you’re on a dating site, guaranteed your profile needs work. Get my Double Your Online Dating program here. Cheap like borsch!
Make Her Like You Over Text? What to Text a Woman to Get Her Attention
How to Keep Her Interested in You Over Text (Bold Moves to Increase Attraction!)
How to Trigger Chemistry with a Girl by Text | Text Her for the First Time
MUST SEE. Harry Vox Reveals the Crack Down. SHARE.
How to Trigger Chemistry with a Girl by Text (Texting Fails Men Make!)
10 Conversation Tips for Single Men (Charm Her!)
Best Icebreaker to Use on a Dating Site (dating advice for men 2020)
What to Do If They Don’t Text Back After a Second Date (Dating Advice 2020)
How Many Messages to Send on a Dating Site Advice (2020)
How Often to Text (Dating Advice 2020)
When to Text After a First Date (Dating Advice 2020)
What to text a woman + first text + online communication (Dating Advice for Men 2020)
When it comes to matters of the heart rejection sucks, and is inevitable, so let’s learn how to handle rejection like a stormtrooper!
If you can handle rejection like the trooper you are you’ll be able to look at rejection as a welcome challenge.
AJ Rejection Story
When I was but a wee insecure teenage fledgling, I got rejected a few times by guys I thought were “like, for sure, my true love and, like, soulmate!” *dramatic sigh*
I’m pretty sure I didn’t even know one of their last names. It must’ve been, like, just awful.
I write “must’ve” because since I learned how to handle rejection I can’t remember how the awful part of it felt.
But before I got to that empowered stance, I chose an unhealthy path…
After failing to hogtie any of the early rejectors, I learned how to “get” guys—the wrong guys (for me), but still, it seemed like progress at the time.
How I Avoided Rejection
Instead of learning how to handle rejection, I avoided rejection totally.
I only sought out men I knew wouldn’t reject or ditch me.
But look where that got me!
In case you didn’t read my memoir and don’t know where that got me: it got me cuckoo with a side of heartache. (And single for a long time.)
The interesting bit is when I went into real estate sales, at the tender age of 20, I loooved rejection.
Ok, maybe not my first day.
Fiiiine, definitely not my first day, my first day was terrible, but after a day of rejections I learned how to handle rejection.
Whether it was a residual cuckoo effect or it was because I made a game of getting rejected, I used all those real estate “nos” to hone my sales skills and try new communication techniques and turned my “no” woes into WOWs.
My “Handle Rejection” Mantra: Every “no” is closer to a “yes!”
This is the awesome possum attitude that helped propel me to becoming Anna J, Super Star Realty Lady. (See memoir.)
Real estate managers and brokers tell salespeople every day, “Don’t take it personally.”
I say, “Bullshit. Do take it personally!”
It is personal.
If you’re not effectively communicating how you can help someone—the client—achieve their goals—to buy a home or to sell a home—it is you.
But in the dating world, you’re not looking for quantity, you’re looking for quality.
And if you’re on this website, you also believe that what you’re looking for adds up to one.
When you retrain your brains to think of rejection as “one step closer to your right yes,” you build up the stamina to sustain your self-esteem throughout the rejections that lead to your goal: The Right One.
AJ Heartache Prevention RX: Be yourself.
If you want your potential partner to be their best self, you’d better be your best (real) self.
Plus, who wants to “forever after” fake a role? (Been there, dumb that.)
The Handle Rejection Takeaways:
Rejection means you’re in the game!
Letting go of the “no” woes is a winning attitude.
Winning attitudes are sexy, y’all.
Hello! Winners win!
Get real! Be (/become) the best you, which feels better and gets you there faster. High five!
Oh, and are you wondering about the whole Stormtrooper reference?
They’re resilient mofos that never give up.
(They also serve the dark side, but don’t do that.)
Handle Rejection & Get the Girl with WakeUP2Luv
To figure out what your best real self really is invest in my WakeUP2Luv program.
Hint: If you do the homework, your life will be all around better and you’ll be ready for the woman you really want.
Anna, did you just say homework??
Yep, sorry, suck it up.
Progress requires effort. (That’s how I got to be Super Star Realty Lady!)
If you always do what you’ve always done you’ll always get what you’ve always got!
WakeUP2Luv provides the step-by-step how-to’s so you don’t even have to figure out what to do next.
Do it, Stormtrooperrr.
How to Get over Approach Anxiety & Fear of Rejection (Dating Advice for Shy Guys)
Handling Rejection When She Doesn’t Text Back (Dating Advice for Nice Guys)
Why is heartbreak so painful? Why is rejection painful? (Dating Advice)
How to Get Over Fear of Rejection (Dating Advice for Shy Guys & Introverts 2020)
How to Get Over The Fear of Rejection (Dating Advice for Shy Guys 2020)
how to deal with rejection from women #JustTheTip
3 Ways to Rebuild Confidence After Heartbreak (Dating Advice for Men)
We’d agreed to meet at a lounge-y—uh, well—lounge near my residence at the time.
It was raining.
I walked over to the venue only a few blocks away as the rain squished the traffic exhaust fumes into the greasy pavement.
The air was fresh, refreshing.
It was a Thursday at 5:00pm, so the venue was almost empty when I arrived and my date was easy to spot at the bar.
He stood as I walked toward him while shaking out my umbrella. He stuck out his hand to shake mine, but I swooped in for a hug instead. I’m a hugger.
“Oh, look how handsome you are!” I said. “This is a nice surprise. Not that your photos weren’t good, but you know.”
Just the Tip Mid-Story Takeaway:
So many people on dating sites/app post misleading photos! Knock it off!
Back to the 50 First Dates Story…
It was too dark to see if he blushed, but he looked down and away while trying to refrain from smiling at the unexpected compliment.
I quickly learned this was his auto response to compliments, which was endearing.
After the host took us to our table, I slid into the booth seat (facing the venue) while he sat in the chair opposite me (with his back to the venue).
Seating arrangements are significant. Details to follow.
Meanwhile, the chair he sat on sank under his weight and then sat with his head level much below mine.
“Let’s switch sides,” I offered and he accepted.
Both our actions are significant. Details soon, I promise.
I’ll skip the specifics—we were together three hours—but will point out the important stuff that you care about—or should if you want to be successful in love.
I had one glass of wine. He had three beers. (Three hours, remember.)
We shared a charcuterie (fancy name for: cheeses, meats and accompaniments). We chatted.
He told me “his story” (sorry, confidential), but it wasn’t unlike many I’d heard, maybe even yours, including “looking for the right one.” (Significant.)
“My story” included how I’d taken a relationship sabbatical but was ready to date again, though with a disclaimer: “The next guy to bed this gal, weds this gal—I’m not interested in casual sex.” (This gets a hesitant chuckle and a raised eyebrow.)
I changed topic: “What would you do if you won $10,000,000?” (Significant.)
He replied immediately, snapping his fingers for emphasis: “I’d quit my job and travel.” (I raised my eyebrow.)
At the finish of the evening, he offered to walk me home, but I declined—significant—so we hugged and I told him I had a good time and would like to see him again.
Which was my bad. Why? Because … I regretted it as soon as I said it.
I did enjoy his company, but.
I did not want to kiss him, and he was my first real fake date, after all.
I had another 49 fellas to date, and at that time, I was willing to set aside exactly three hours a week for a Plus One.
Most men that are looking for long-term love want a bit more than a few hours a week with a “no texting—I loathe texting” condition attached, and since I’m not casual sex gal … well, I shouldn’t have said I’d like to see him again.
(Even though I was following my own dating rule: Don’t write off Mr. Potential Right just because you don’t want to get naked with him immediately.)
Significant 1st of 50 First Dates Takeaways:
Genuine modesty is attractive.
A woman feels more secure facing the crowd and men have fewer distractions (hot-ass servers, sports TVs, etc).
However, when the man is “below” her—physically—it takes away from his masculine confidence, in both the woman’s and man’s perceptions. Swap seats.
Booze: keep a level head.
Intoxication is not sexy. First impressions!
Ok, if you’re a (motor)biker, rocker or … nope, that’s it. If you’re a biker or rocker, drink whatever the F you want. But don’t get shit-hammered. Still not attractive.
Fellas: even though one per hour is within the legal limit for a lot of guys (people), best keep it to two to three maximum over the entire date. Maximum! Yes, you’re nervous. So is she. Deal with it. Sober.
If a gal tells you right off that her “clam” isn’t open for business without a commitment, believe her.
If you’re looking to settle down without settling you want a woman with respectable standards.
The 10 mil question is a classy way of finding out if the man must work and/or enjoys his work.
Relevance: If he hates his work, why’s he still doing it? Fear? Security? Lack of options? Lack of creativity? etc
The answer says a million different things about the person. Try it, you’ll see.
Walking (or driving) a gal home is a gentle way to tell if she wants more of your company and can be a signal from her as to whether or not you should attempt to kiss her.
As noted in my last blog, it’s ok to not kiss on the first date.
If there’s mutual interest, her lips will be there next time.
If not, you haven’t shared spit with a stranger.
You may need to go on 50 first dates or 100. I ain’t gonna fib, online dating is work.
Online dating is like dumpster diving for diamonds. If you’re diligent, you might discover a gem amongst the rubbish.
In my next 50 First Dates update, I’ll let y’all in on why The G Man impressed me, which also happened to be what impressed me about my second first date with Slouching Stargazer.
In the meantime, consider signing up for my WakeUP2Luv program, it’ll help you become the kind of man who naturally wins the respect of women, peers and most importantly – himself.
Or start with the basics of online dating with my uber affordable Double Your Online Dating training.
Since my $10 million question maybe made you wonder if all women are money grubbing gold diggers…
Here’s a short playlist on understanding women’s nature aka #hypergamy to consider:
Understand Women’s Nature
Why do women like men with power or social status? #hypergamy (Dating Advice for Shy Guys)
Why do Women Like Men with Money? #hypergamy (Dating Advice for Shy Guys 2018)
First I’ll tell you what kind of apps I have created with this new software creator so you can understand the types of applications you can create. My first app was just a simple Birdwatching Journal. It includes fields for Time and Date, Notes, about 8 photos can be added to each record, notes for each photo, and a few more fields for Type of bird, common name, location, etc., etc. My next software was a Travel Journal, then a dating journal, a travel agents log and trip pricer and organizer. You can see that the possibilities are endless, as long as people need to manage information, I can create it with this new software creator.
When creating my own software with this new software creator, I first must know what I want to be included in it. So to start off, I get a pen and pad and start writing down the fields I want to include. Sorta like a mind-map. I know I need to create different software objects, and in turn they will be added to my different software projects.
So my software object is where I begin, in it will be what we call editors, the editors are the fields you will include in your object. I name my object first, and edit the settings like the Navigation Text, and the caption, and the type of object. Since this is a new object, I will use the custom object so I can customize it the way I like. The other types of objects can fill a whole book, so we won’t go into them here. Next I click on the editors tab, and click new editor, then I get my pad and start adding the editors I wrote down to my software object 1 at a time, being careful to give them all unique names to avoid any errors or conflicts, and choosing the type of editor it is, ‘text’ ‘memo’ ‘currency’ ‘numeric’, ‘check-box’, radio box, drop-down box, and the list goes on. You can even add hyperlinks with your affiliate links in them right inside the software. I just add an editor then click save and new and add the next one, going down my whole list until I have added all my fields.
And with that, my software object is done. Now it’s time to create a Software project to add my object to. Software Projects can contain as many software objects as needed, and the database created with these projects can hold up to 4TB of data. Software objects are also reusable in other projects, so you have unlimited design capabilities.
So now we move onto the Software project section of the builder, give our software project a name, and description for our own use. Check off whether or not to let it be brand-able (yes you can create software that other companies can re-brand with their own logos splash screens etc.). Then we give our software a title, version, pick a skin to use, give it a category, and help file path. Choose the icon we want to use, and choose our splash screen.
On the installation tab, we enter our company info, website, help URL, update URL, installation password if needed, compression mode (this is where we decide how the installation files will be packaged, from compressed web exe to uncompressed directory layout), and whether or not to create a desktop or quick launch icon or both upon installation.
On the next tab we can decide if we want to allow trial usage, how many trials, and we can add a Trial Activation Serial if we want, and we can add some HTML to the box there that we can use to add an opt in box to the splash screen of the trial splash. Very useful for building a list of subscribers in your chosen niche.
Now we go to the bottom section and add our software object by clicking the + sign and selecting the software object we created earlier. Click save, and now at the top of this new software creator, we go to the miscellaneous tab and click Run.
Our software will now execute, so we can perform the final layout.
We start by selecting our software object in the Navigation menu on the side, and click new. This brings up our software object for customization. We right click in between objects and select ‘Customize Layout’ , this mode allows us to Drag and Drop our fields or editors anywhere we want them to be situated. We can group a few together, group them all together, add blank space, separators, add tabs, add tabs to tabs, the sky is the limit here when it come to the visual design of our software.
Once we have it all laid out the way we like it, we hit the close button, and when it asks to save we say no, unless we are adding pre-filled data to our app, then we save it.
Once you are done either adding data or not, its time to create our executable, and its as easy as hitting ‘create set-up’ button next to the ‘run’ button we used earlier, and naming our file. this new software creator then builds your executable files for you to distribute to your clients.
I hope this helps you see how easy it is to create your own software with this new software creator. The software you create can be sold or given away for free or with trial uses. You can also export layouts and give them to others to re-brand as their own. The uses are endless.
In today’s instant-everything world, knowing how to navigate the road of love most often seems to lack substance, commitment, and time. With help from the Free Love Movement of the Sixties, tradition has given way to one-night stands, cell-phone apps like Grinder and Hook-up, and women finally have complete control over sex through birth control. In fact, women have more power than ever! In many ways this is a GREAT thing, but often times this new sense of power makes it too easy to skip all the traditional dating nuances and get right to the business of sex. At first this may seem easy and hassle-free, but when it comes to building an intimate, long-term relationship, can having sex too soon be destructive instead of constructive? How long should a couple wait before taking that next step? In this new and equal playground for men and women, it is essential to create a bond and a level of trust before deciding to have sex. We humans possess a deep sea of emotions and feelings. Adding sex into the equation too soon can really add unnecessary turmoil to something that is already so complex.
As a traditional Matchmaker and relationship advisor, I strongly believe there are many different scenarios we play out in our heads when it comes to how we perceive a given situation, and not all of them maybe be accurate. There is an old adage which says that “women play with sex to get love, men play with love to get sex”. While it is true, there is so much more to it than that, as there are many subconscious factors that can play into these roles. What are the parties involved looking for? Is it that both want control? Both want security? Both want acceptance? If we take the time to explore some of the thoughts and emotions men and women experience in their relationships, it gets a little easier to understand why there is so much uncertainty. I can recall hearing from male clients that when sex came into play, they too had an emotional connection with their new partner, only to find that person had then moved on after having sex. Their reason for taking that step too soon? “She seemed ready to go so I let things happen.” Alternately, I have heard female clients say, “but there was such an immediate connection, it seemed natural to connect even more with sex.” Here both parties are getting caught up in the passion and lust of their newfound romance. They forget to stop, breathe, and think clearly about what they both ultimately want from the situation.
To mitigate the emotional damages from this unconscious want, both parties must be and remain in the conscious present. Take the time to get to know one another and set a strong foundation on which to build your love and friendship; establish trust and a solid communication base first. Without it, the days and weeks following the initial sexual encounter can be very confusing and intimidating. The only way to find out if the connection is there is by putting in the time and communication as outlined above. There used to be a term for that, what was it again? Oh yes, I think it used to be called courtship! You know, that long-forgotten concept of approaching a potential mate with respect and aspiration that goes beyond just “hooking up”. The problem is in today’s world it seems that courtship has gotten steamrolled and congested by many different new standards. Standards that seek to expedite everything and lump every relationship into one standard rulebook. Unraveling what was proper dating protocol and what it has become now is key. Do this and if your mate has any potential, you will see the significant signs of a committed relationship developing. When you have dating confidence, aka love and respect for yourself, you will know when the time is right to have sex. You can then add this as a beautiful building block to your new, intimate, loving relationship.
So let’s go back to what is tried and true, the way it naturally happened back in the good days: boy meets girl, they get to know each other, girl “waits it out” to make sure the boy is worth it, and from there great things happen for both of them. When a man understands the value of a woman and pursues her with the respect she deserves, the woman reciprocates with the same respect and kind gestures of admiration. So much love and passion can come from this.